Emotional Girl

As the song goes:  "I'm an emotional girl, I can't help myself, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I do both and I don't know why..."

That's me this past couple weeks.  Full of emotion. Not quite knowing what to do with myself.  My circumstances have been less than stellar the past couple years.  I lost my job, my car broke down, I have no transportation except for borrowing my Mom's vehicles when needed.  Unemployement...poverty is a never ending cycle. You can't get to work because you don't have a vehicle, but you can't buy a vehicle if you don't have a job.  It's so frustrating. 

If you read this, and you know me (or even if you don't), say a prayer for me.  Yes, God is taking care of my basic needs. I am lucky to have food, shelter, etc. I could clearly be homeless.  But, I am still hurt at times when I see people around me who have the things that I don't: a spouse/love, a home, a vehicle, a job.  Especially when they aren't always thankful for what they have.

How Moving was SO much more...

When I hear parents contemplating how a move might affect their children, I always think "It WILL change their lives".  Most people don't believe that.  They think children are resilient, they will bounce back, they will easily adjust and so on.  But, there are some things that can never be recaptured.  There are some places that are no so accepting.  Moving is hard, life-changing.

I grew up in a small town in Florida.  I went to Ft McCoy Elementary. I remember that there was a new middle school created just before I left.  It was "MY" school.  When you start out at a school, when in Kindergarten you make friends and the bus driver seems like your Grandma, well, it all just seems like it belongs to you.  You might say that in most areas, I was my school's elite.  I was in gifted class; took the next year's state standardized tests (if I was in 3rd grade, I took 4th) and still made a high score; if there was a club, I was in it; I was the safety patrol; all the teachers knew me; I had the same friends since Kindergarten, and we just kept adding more (we were cool like that).  I went to school there from Kindergarten until about half way through my 6th grade year.  We had just gotten into that new school.  There were some new people because a couple districts were put together (new friends!).  We were in the year where we could learn all that the new classes had to offer: taxidermy, choir, PE, business and so on.  And then...MOVE.

My parents decided to move to Missouri.  Mind you, we knew NO ONE there.  They felt it would be a closer trip to visit family in Indiana, without actually being in Indiana.  My Grandma moved with us, but other than that, we didn't know anyone where we moved.  Now, granted, kids are resilient.  I made friends, but I wasn't the elite anymore.  I wasn't considered all that cool. It wasn't the same.  I felt I held my own the rest of my Middle School and High School years.  Now, just about everyone in town does know who I am.  But, the move was life-changing.  I didn't have the friends I had for the past 7 years.  Everyone else did, they had all gone to school together, they knew each other, they had those "remember when" times.  That made me a bit on the outside.  Sleepovers didn't happen much, my Mom only trusted a few of my friend's home situations (again, we really didn't know them).  We weren't around people much, didn't have get togethers and so on.  Throughout high school, I dated maybe 3 guys locally.  I feel like this caused me to end up being in relationships I shouldn't have...like I had no other choice.  In Florida, I was going to go to the University of Florida at Gainsville, be a "Gator"; believe me, yes, in 6th grade I had this planned out.  There was "no way" for me to go that far away to go to college. I wasn't in Florida anymore, I wasn't a native, I wasn't a gator...I was in Missouri. 

It is hard to even explain the extent of how I feel things were so different for me because we moved.  But, I can say that it was enough to keep me in one place now, for my children's sake.  One son has much more social interaction than the other.  But, I know if they stay in the same school K-12, they will know the City Attorney; they will know the police officers, and the fire fighters, and the shop owners...they will know the people who will affect their lives.  They will know how things work in the small town we live in.  They will know where to go when they need support.  They will have roots, and after all, we all need those to grow.  And then, they can fly...fly off to another college...be a gator, or even a tiger if they want to.  Be grounded, but also grow.  Please, think of your children when making decisions.

Let Go and Let God, part 2

Just so my readers know, my Grandma and Aunt came home, 2 weeks and 2 days after they left.  There were plans of some to try to keep them in Alabama.  My Grandma was insistant that she wanted to come home.  My mother, her sister, my sister were all concerned and making plans to go get Grandma if necessary.

I said "God is in control. He's got this, He doesn't need us to act."

The kids and I prayed for Grandma & my Aunt to return safely home.  We stayed faithful and expecting.  Even when everyone around us kept complaining. Even when circumstances looked bleak. 

The thing is, when you Let Go and Let God, He will handle it for you.  You don't need to act, unless He tells you to.  If necessary, He will use even those who oppose His will to fulfill it.  He's God.

Wisdom from Jesse Duplantis

Excerpt taken from "God Keeps His Promies", Covenant Magazine, 10/09

Reasons That Chrisitans Die Sick

     There are a lot of reasons why people can die even after they've prayed for healing--too many to mention in this little article. 
     Sometimes, they don't really believe in healing. They might profess it with their mouth because they think it's the right thing to do, but inside they feel it's just part of life...and part of death.
     Other times, they secretly want to escape this life. You'd be surprised how many people claim they want healing and secretly just want to go home to Heaven.  They've already given up in their heart. They're tired of fighting their body and the devil--they've become weary in well-doing. They simply don't want to do it anymore.
     Other times, there is a huge amount of fear present, and it just cancels out the force of faith.  You'd be surprised how many people claim they're standing on the Word, but live in fear of death the whole time they're laying in the hospital bed.  They ball and squall one minute in fear, and then pull themselves up and clain strong faith when a fellow Christian walks through the door.  That's like trying to drive cross-country and stopping every fifteen minutes for a coffee break.  You won't get anywhere soon. 
     Also, you'd be suprised how often other people hinder the healing process. Many times, Christians will come to pray and lay hands on the sick, but when they leave the hospital room, the immediately stop believing.  They just prayed a great prayer--of doubt--and they don't believe that the person will be healed any more than they believe the moon is made of cheese.  They came to just give it their best shot with God.  That's what I call gambling at the Gospel casino.  Their faith is cracking before they hit the door, and that's no good for the sick person!
     Other times, a person has no foundation in the love and mercy of God.  They wonder still if He loves them enough to heal them.  They may have a lot of issues surrounding worthiness and so, they feel that they can't boldly approach the throne of grace in their time of need.  They may pray, but they cannot release full faith in God because they aren't really sure that He'll come through, which means that they aren't sure God loves them. 
     There are so many other situations surrounding the death of sick Christians, none of which have anything to do with the sovereign power of God.  Do a study for yourself in the scriptures on those that were healed under Jesus' ministry.  Notice the deperate "must-have-it" type of faith that some had.  Notice the single-minded focus on the healing power of God.
     Yet, you will also see in researching the scriptures that there was also a time when Jesus could not heal anyone.  Was it because He didn't have the power? No, it was because He was dealing with a group of people who didn't believe that He was Who He said He was.  They were unsure of Him as God's Son. Surety is a critical part in receiving healing.

The Spirit, Mind, & Body Work Together

     It's important to establish strong faith for healing before sickness ever arises because it's much harder to play "catch up" in your faith when your body is physically weak.
     The boyd responds to the mind and the spirit.  But if the mind is arguing with the spirit, what do you think the body will do?  Nothing!  it will keep on doing its own thing until a stronger voice tells it what to do.  The body is just a vessel for the real you--the combination of your recreated spirit and your soul, which is your mind, will, and emotions.
     Walking in love towards others is also a critical part of receiving healing.  After all, how can we expect our faith to work when we're not walking in love?  Galatians 5:6 tells us that faith actually works by love.  If we're in unforgiveness towards another person or sowing seeds of discord, that stops our faith from working.  Faith is crucial to receving healing power; so love must also be paramount in our lives.
     Your spirit is strong, but your mind needs conditioning--transforming--and the way to do that is to saturate yourself with the Word of God.  Let it renew your mind so that you believe it, because that's when you're going to receive it in your boddy.  Your body will listen to what your mind is saying, so line up your mind with the Word.

--Jesse Duplantis
    

Let Go and Let God

People ask how I can be calm in chaos, it's easy....when you know God is in control, you relinquish what control you think you have.

That's my big thought for the day, Let go, and let God.  Let Him have control of your life. When you realize that something is out of your control, recognize that God will take care of your needs, He has the big picture, He has the plan. 

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."--Jeremiah 29:11

"Your eyes saw my substance before I was even born. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them."--Psalm 139:16

"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."--Phillippians 4:19

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."--Phillippians 4:7

And yes, there is a story...

Today I was awakened almost like any other day lately, my mentally challenged aunt at my door, knocking, and wanting to get a cup of sugar.  Only, she had with her a visitor, my younger cousin (who is my baby sister's age).  I haven't seen my cousin, or either of my Uncles in nearly 20 years. 

That's the thing about family: you CAN always pick up where you left off.  No matter how much time has gone, you still love each other; you still feel like you know each other; you can visit unannounced.  Enter, CHAOS.

My Grandmother and my aforementioned aunt have always lived near us, always.  I have faint memories of she and my Grandfather showing me how to use a CB radio in Indiana before the age of 5.  When Grandpa was sick, we moved to Florida; after he passed away to Missouri, and have been here ever since. Grandma always living somewhere close, and now even on the same property.  The aforementioned Cousin and Uncles, well, there were years that they lived near us in Florida, and again in Missouri; but they have also lived in Illinois, and for the last 20+years, in Alabama. 

Over the years Grandma has needed more care, has become stubborn in her ways, difficult to persuade at times.  She and my mother do nearly everything together.  My 12 and 13 year old sons help to care for her; they and my Dad filling the gap of a man around the house.  Daily we deliver three meals a day to my Grandma and my Aunt.

KNOCK.

Today, my Uncles and Cousin arrived unnanounced to take my Grandma and Aunt to Alabama for a "visit".  Unannounced.  Last night. one of the Uncles spoke to my sister, asking for Grandma's address so he could "send her a postcard".  There was no plan, no pre-packing, no awareness that my Grandma and Aunt were about to leave. Simply, we weren't told.  There were comments that it was to be done in the middle of the night so that my Mom and/or the rest of us could not stop them from taking Grandma.  In fact, there were comments that they were prepared to fight if necessary.

What?

Are we the only family to deal with such issues? Is this normal? Confusing.

My Mother-upset; Aunt (also a daughter "left behind")-upset; Dad-confused as to why "it all went down this way"; Sister-upset and arguing with the family via facebook; other Sister-resigned to the situation. 14 Great-Grandchildren who have ALWAYS had their grandmother-sad & defeated. "Why did Grandma want to leave us?"

What nearly broke my heart was my nearly 14-year-old son when he started crying uncontrollably.  When I asked him what was wrong, he brought up his other Grandma who left (to a nursing home) and passed away last year (2010) before Christmas.  He doesn't want to think he will never see his Grandma again.  He also brought up his "Uncle" who passed away abruptly last year in a tragic accident.  My other son had tears in his eyes too.

Then it dawned on me, Grandma has been telling my sisters and the kids that she "doesn't have much time left", that she'd like to see my Uncles (yes, THEM) "before she dies", and that this was probably her "last Christmas".  She has also been confusing facts about relatives, and talking about those who have passed like they are still living---what her mother did just before she passed away.

Today, the family ran back and forth between our place and Grandma's.  Different people talking to each other at different times.  Snipes exchanged.  Smiles. Hugs. Laughs. Remember whens.  Saying goodbye. Pictures. Comments.  Chaos.  Some wanted others to say something to the Uncles and Cousin.  Some wanted physical violence. Some wanted the day to be over. Some wanted to make the goodbye good enough...just in case.

The general concensus was that my Uncles had come secretly because they felt we would take action to prevent Grandma from going with them.  Clearly, there is a lack of trust on both sides.  They also made it clear that they don't feel that Grandma is taken care of well enough.  I understand them listening to and believing their mother, but know they should be measured with the knowledge of Grandma's age and abilities. We have let her try to be as self-sustaining as possible. And she is, after all, 81 years old.  She has tendencies to seek sympathy, become child-like, and quickly forget and even deny what she has said.  Example, recognize the need for some limitations:  Grandma doesn't have a ready supply of sugar on hand because she is pre-diabetic and eats the sugar by spoonfuls, a cup a day.

I welcomed. I woke everyone early to get the day going.  I embraced.  I cleaned. I cooked. I chased 14 kids.  I smiled.  I talked. I hugged. I loved.  Isn't that what my Father (Jesus) would do?

I concluded:  "Boys, you guys have had Grandma all this time, she loves you, she wants to come back.  Your cousins haven't met her at all.  They want to see her, she wants to see them.  I think we can share, don't you?"

THIS is out of our control. Grandma is an adult; she asked to visit; her sons came to get her; they promised to bring her back in two weeks.

To everyone:  "Everything happens for a reason.  The Bible says so.  For some reason, Grandma is in that car and going down the road with her two sons she hasn't seen in a long time.  I don't know if she will come back, I pray that she does.  I pray that isn't the last time we see her.  I pray nothing happens to her. But Grandma is old, she is an adult, she doesn't have all her faculties about her, but she wanted to go. And she's happy. Have faith. Let go and Let God."

Chaos is all around me, but I have Peace. I will be calm. I will be faithful.

Dec-Ember

It's December and a New Year is upon us. I've decided to blog and have a wealth of love and ideas to share.  My first is this, December has the word "Ember" in it. Use the cold winter months, the seasons, each awakening day to spark desire in your heart.  God has a plan for you, He created you with it in mind. It is not a mistake that you are here, on this earth. You have to find your path, you have to create your destiny, you have to be the one to keep the fire burning.  I'm trying to light my own fire.

Diamonds of Wisdom is part of that journey.  You have heard of Pearls of Wisdom, surely...awesome little tidbits that are priceless.  Diamonds are similar, more coveted for their brilliance, they dazzle, they sparkle.  I want to hit you with a flash of brilliance.  Can I promise that always? No. But will I try, absolutely.