Single Parenting--Emotional Hurdles

Anyone who is a parent knows just how hard it is to be one.  You're life changes when you have a child, you no longer just worry about YOUR life and what YOU will do...now you have someone else to care for.  When you are doing it yourself, you have to be all things.  There is no "good cop, bad cop"...you are both.  You can't say "go ask your dad" because he isn't here.  There are no off days, no staying in bed because you have the flu, etc. 

But the thing that troubles me the most is the emotional hurdles....the struggles your children have as they are growing.  AND, dealing with the fact that I messed up. I MESSED UP.  Yes, I said, I messed up.  I know that as a result of my choices, whom I chose to have children with, created a life for us where my two sons don't have a father.  Sometimes, you just don't think...you think love is enough...but I'm not even sure there was love on the other end (twice. Yes, I screwed up that bad.) 

Now, mind you, I wouldn't trade my two sons for anything in the world.  Billy and Ed, they are my life, my salvation.  They keep me sane, keep me grounded, and love me when no one else does.  It is my ferverent prayer that I do the same for them and so much more.  I would give up everything for them, I know that they know that.  But, what I can't do is change their feelings, protect them from what has already been, and from the hatred that exists. 

The contact with their fathers has been minimal over the years.  Billy is about to turn 14, Ed is 12.  Billy's father and I seperated when he was seven months old; he has seen him twice since then, I believe.  Ed's dad wasn't even here for his birth.  He has seen him probably 10 times over the years, with limited phone contact (whenever convienient for his dad), and the past two years, all contact has stopped.  Billy's dad pays some child support.  This Christmas the family sent him a card with a $100 gift card in it...that was the first gift from them.  Ed's dad has bought a few extravagant gifts over the years; game consoles, etc.  It was obvious that these gifts were meant to "one up" me at the time, and now, not even a phone call.  What is most frustrating to me is that I know how this feels.  My biological father was never around, he showed up and wanted to see me occassionally when I was a teenager.  As a child, you feel like something is wrong with you, like someone has chosen to stay away from you, and it hurts.  Now, I have helped to do that to my children.

The other frustrating this is trying to always stay positive about my exes and their families. I feel this is important because my sons should not think they came from something horrible.  I am a Christian, and I pray for them all.  I am hopeful that one day the one-sided hatred will no longer be.  I don't believe Billy's dad has that hatred. I'm sure that at times, the situation is hard for his family.  However, his ex, who has two children by him, and I are friendly and connected on a social networking site; and his current wife, who he also has children with, and I are friendly and connected on that site as well.  I show my son pictures of his siblings, and they do the same.

However, with my younger son, the state's quest to obtain child support has caused his family to attempt to deny his existence.  His father has tried to say that he biologically belongs to his [the father's] brother; because the brother is in prison.  Ed's dad has two children by an earlier relationship [before ours] who are "grown" [ages 18 and 20]; and a child younger than my son [whom I don't know anything more than the first name of the child].  Ed's dad is the co-owner of two tattoo shops [his brother and sister-in-law own with him] and refuses to "be forced" to pay child support.  They have gone to great lengths to decieve child support enforcement and lie about where he is at. 

Ed's dad's older son contacted me through a social networking site and asked about the relationship between his parents.  At first, I declined to tell him anything and encouraged him to talk to his parents.  He persisted and at the time, he was of age.  He insisted that his father had told him that the reason he [the father] hadn't seen him was because the boy's mother wouldn't allow it.  Apparently, my ex told his son that I knew this was true.  Unknown to me at the time, when I first became involved with my ex, he was still with this boy's mother.  Because of this, she and I do not have any contact.  However, I was not going to allow my ex to poison his son's mind about the woman who struggled to take care of him.  I told him that his dad creates elaborate stories to cover his inadequacies.  I told the child the truth, that his father wanted to do anything but take care of his children, and that he neglected my child as well.  When my ex asked what was said, I told him, and advised him not to continue to lie about his child's mother or I would contact her myself. 

Ed's dad had been calling and speaking to him at times.  He would buy him birthday gifts.  The times he would visit, if he went to get something to eat at a restaurant, coffee, anything, he would tip waitresses anywhere from $20-$50.  At that time, I told him that amount would go a long way in helping raise our child.  I get $166 in child support from Billy's dad, and asked him to even pay that amount.  He had given that to three waitresses in front of me.  His reasoning for never giving me money was that he always wanted me to be intimately involved with him when he was here and/or for me to promise to be back with him.  Both of those things I had tried before, I am far to responsible.  We don't belong together.  He would often be involved with someone else and still try to get involved with me.  Then he would lie to those people if they somehow made contact with me.  He and his brother spend whatever they want and do what they want.  Approximately two years ago, I sent a message to wish the brother "Happy Birthday".  At that time, Ed's dad and I had spoken a few months prior and I had no idea that feelings had changed toward myself or my son.  His brother sent a response message berating me and calling me various names.  He also denied that this brother was the father of my son and told me to quit trying to screw them over.  This was the first I had heard of my ex denying our child, so I was pretty heated and wrote him back.  Then I cut off contact with the family.

Recently, a member of my family told me that my son's older sister was pregnant.  This is the same girl who's brother contacted me regarding their parents, so I didn't think that she "hated" me and my son.  I sent her a simple message over Twitter (less than 140 characters, of course).  She responded with harsh name-calling, cussing, denying that my son is her brother, and so on.  There are members of the family that have denied that she and her brother belonged to their father as well, and I have defended them and their mother.  Now, here is this girl [either 17 or 18 years old] and pregnant, berating me.  My first reaction is to be fiercely upset for my son's sake.  The reason I asked her about the pregnancy was because my son wanted to know if "he was going to be an uncle".  My second reaction is who raises their children to hate their siblings.  Why do people have to be this way?  Apparently her dad has come back around a bit now that the kids are grown and child support from their state isn't chasing him...and he has thrown them a few bones. 

I don't want my sons to be tarnished by all of this drama.  Again, I try to keep it from them.  I just know that one day, they will be on the internet and might find something about themselves.  I have blocked this girl from my Twitter and my Facebook, yet she is telling family members that I am stalking her and trying to do something to her.  She is the one who put all sorts of things on my public twitter page.  So, yeah, drama.  Hurtful for kids.  Don't have a child with a lowlife.  All those things.

And, as always, pray for me and mine.