I am the working poor....and I am going to start to try to write some posts on here to let you know what life is like for those of us who people judge daily.

First of all, I thought I would give you some background into myself.  See, while some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouths...and some are born with an average life...some of us are born dirt poor.  I was born pretty much dirt poor.  I can remember times in my life living in a small camping trailer with my family, struggling to keep electricity on and sometimes living without it, taking "cold showers" outside from a pump well, and so on.  Thing is that sometimes kids realize they are poor. I was one of those.  I tried to keep myself up as best as possible, dress nice, stay clean, and so on.  But, the things that I WANTED to do...the things that other kids actually get to do, well, I didn't even ask.

See, I loved the balance beam when I was a kid, and I thought one day I would be flipping around showing off at the Olympics.  However, our family didn't have the money for training, tumbling classes, anything--so I didn't even ask.  I think, deep down, I never really even developed a dream because I was too poor...

That is all I can get out today.

Living Life...UNPLUGGED

Life has been a little different lately.  The boys and I had been staying with my parents trying to get our trailer manageable..plugged up...electricity, water, etc.  Recently, we did get water, sewer and electric, and we moved in.  It's  been chilly.  Right now we have no heat and no way to afford much more than what we already have going on.  In fact, I'm trusting God for everything...because we don't have much by way of money coming in at all.  Mom has wireless internet...so I thought I would be able to access it (you know, from, say 30 feet away)...but, alas...I cannot!  LOL.  My guess is that the metal roof of the trailer makes in unaccessable.  Not to mention that I can't even get a phone call inside (I have to run out on the steps).  We also have no television.  LOL.  So...we are living life unplugged from technology...a DVD here, a radio tune there...and running out to take calls.  But...it has seemed...Peaceful. :)  Missing all!  But, God!  We have been spending time together!

Imprisoned

"Remember the prisoners as if chained with them, and those who are mistreated , since you yourselves are in the body also."--Hebrews 13:3

Thursday, after not feeling well for awhile, I went to the doctor to find out that my sinus conditions had flared up again and it was bad enough to warrant another shot.  The nurse practitioner warned me that I would have a day of "hot flashes" and get to experience menopause momentarily, but that the following day I would feel much better and energetic.  Bring it on!

I woke up Friday ready to go, got dressed, getting things done....and then I received a call that felt like I was being punched in the stomach.  A Nurse from the correctional facility my biological father is in called me to inform me of "his condition".  She stated that as his emergency contact, she needed to let me know that he was "very, very sick".  She kept saying this, and I interpreted it..."close to death."  She stated that he had been complaining quite some time of not being able to breathe.  They finally sent him out of the prison to a hospital where they learned that his heart condition was deteriorating.  The doctor wanted to do a triple-bypass surgery on him, but his lungs are very weak and they are unsure he would even make it through the surgery.  He refused the surgery, so they were going to "treat him aggressively with medication...as best they can."  Again, she stated "I need you to know that he is very, very sick." 

My heart sank. I have no idea what to do.  The thing is, we haven't had the wonderful relationship most daughters have with their dad.  He has been the absent father, the alcoholic, all things to himself at times.  I have felt that he has been selfish.  But, I have tried to provide the unconditional love that is supposed to come the other way.  Now, here we are at what is possibly "the end".  First of all, I will be the emergency contact called if something happens.  That means that I have to notify my family, my siblings...as I did yesterday that something is wrong.  Second, I feel that I should go see him, but I'm currently in quite a situation myself.  I have no vehicle, no money, etc.  Third, what happens if the end happens? What do I do? How do I take care of things?  It is frustrating.  And I wondered why I had never even considered it before.

You would think that would be enough stress for one day, but hardly.  Later in the evening I received another phone call from an inmate that is imprisoned with my brother.  I could tell by this guy's voice that he was a rough guy, but he was also concerned about getting himself in trouble.  He had to hurry with the call and he had to give limited information.  My brother is locked up in a federal penn...it's serious business...stuff "goes down" in there ALL the time.  So, this guy tells me that my brother "has had a little accident" and that I really, really need to call and check up on him.  He says "do you know what I mean?"  And I wanted to say NO, please clarify.  But, I knew better.  My brother has been trying to prepare me for something to happen to him, he keeps telling me that he may not make it out alive, keeps trying to tell me to help his son remember him.  I keep praying for him, I have my church group praying for him, and now "an accident" happens. I'm sure it was no accident.  I'm sure that's the way it had to sound for the phone call, and I couldn't put this guy at risk who tried to call me. 

So, I call the prison, and call, and call, and call....  It's a prison, you know, full of corrections officers and prisoners and the like...but NO ONE answers the phone.  I keep calling, keep calling.  I get an automated service each time, I press the "0" like it says, it rings, rings, then sounds like an alarm going off, then ticking...then hangs up on me.  So, instead of dialing the number, I dial one number up (they have to have multiple lines in there, right?)...and I get through to a human being.  Thank the Lord.  Only, they don't want to help me, they can't tell me anything, etc.  They tell me I have to "call back during normal business hours" and I asked when that would be...they told me today between 8am-4pm.  They are an hour ahead of us in time, so I set an alarm, got up this morning, and called...

I called the line I got through on and the guy was hateful to me, he said I wasn't allowed to call that line, it's not the business line. I told him I could not get through on the other line...his response, "eventually you might".  I called the other line for over 40 minutes, not able to get through. I even pressed "1" which is the visitation line, it was an automated system regarding visitiation that hasn't been updated since January 13th.  I finally called the other line back, repeatedly.  People kept hanging up on me.  They just picked up the line and put it back down. I kept calling, I tried other numbers, I kept calling...finally the guy picked up the phone again. Rude. Like "I thought I told you not to call this line?"  And I said "You are NOT just getting rid of me, something happened to my brother and I want to know what it is, I will keep calling until you have someone talk to me." 

The Bible teaches us at times to be persistant.  Luke Chapter 18 tells of a widow who came t a judge to be avenged, but he would not hear her.  She kept coming.  Luke 18:1 "men always ought to pray and not lose heart."...."And the judge would not for awhile, but afterward he said within himself, 'Though I do not fear God nor regard man, yet because THIS WIDOW TROUBLES ME, I will avenge her, LEST BY HER CONTINUAL COMING SHE WEARY ME."--Luke 18:4-5

I persisted until he gave me to a case manager; however, it was not my brother's case manager and he simply told me that my brother had a "right to privacy" and he could not tell me what was going on.  He advised me that the normal case manager would not be there until Tuesday (since Monday is a holiday) and that I could attempt to speak to him then.  So, again, I'm left not knowing what is going on.  He said to "be patient" (yes, the Bible teaches us that as well)....he said "we are the government, we take our time" (thanks for sharing)...and he said my brother may just decide to call me anyday (I'm not sure if he has a way to call me).  So, here I am left not knowing.  He did tell me that whomever was my brother's emergency contact would get a call if he was fatally ill or dead.  So, I know it's neither of those, I guess.

The Bible tells us not to be anxious as well, to leave things into the loving, caring hands of our God. 

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."--Phillipians 4:6-7

"When I am afraid, I will put my trust in thee."--Psalm 56:3

"Come unto Me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest."--Matthew 11:28

I'm not sure of what will happen to my dad or my brother, but I know I have to trust the Lord with it. I have to let it go, I have to cast my cares upon him.  But, as I started this post, I'm asking all who read it to remember those in prison.  You may not know anyone, but if you know me, say a little prayer for them.  It is such a burden on the families as well.  I'm sure none of them think about this before they commit their crimes and go in, but it hurts us too.  As always, thank you for listening.

Single Parenting--Emotional Hurdles

Anyone who is a parent knows just how hard it is to be one.  You're life changes when you have a child, you no longer just worry about YOUR life and what YOU will do...now you have someone else to care for.  When you are doing it yourself, you have to be all things.  There is no "good cop, bad cop"...you are both.  You can't say "go ask your dad" because he isn't here.  There are no off days, no staying in bed because you have the flu, etc. 

But the thing that troubles me the most is the emotional hurdles....the struggles your children have as they are growing.  AND, dealing with the fact that I messed up. I MESSED UP.  Yes, I said, I messed up.  I know that as a result of my choices, whom I chose to have children with, created a life for us where my two sons don't have a father.  Sometimes, you just don't think...you think love is enough...but I'm not even sure there was love on the other end (twice. Yes, I screwed up that bad.) 

Now, mind you, I wouldn't trade my two sons for anything in the world.  Billy and Ed, they are my life, my salvation.  They keep me sane, keep me grounded, and love me when no one else does.  It is my ferverent prayer that I do the same for them and so much more.  I would give up everything for them, I know that they know that.  But, what I can't do is change their feelings, protect them from what has already been, and from the hatred that exists. 

The contact with their fathers has been minimal over the years.  Billy is about to turn 14, Ed is 12.  Billy's father and I seperated when he was seven months old; he has seen him twice since then, I believe.  Ed's dad wasn't even here for his birth.  He has seen him probably 10 times over the years, with limited phone contact (whenever convienient for his dad), and the past two years, all contact has stopped.  Billy's dad pays some child support.  This Christmas the family sent him a card with a $100 gift card in it...that was the first gift from them.  Ed's dad has bought a few extravagant gifts over the years; game consoles, etc.  It was obvious that these gifts were meant to "one up" me at the time, and now, not even a phone call.  What is most frustrating to me is that I know how this feels.  My biological father was never around, he showed up and wanted to see me occassionally when I was a teenager.  As a child, you feel like something is wrong with you, like someone has chosen to stay away from you, and it hurts.  Now, I have helped to do that to my children.

The other frustrating this is trying to always stay positive about my exes and their families. I feel this is important because my sons should not think they came from something horrible.  I am a Christian, and I pray for them all.  I am hopeful that one day the one-sided hatred will no longer be.  I don't believe Billy's dad has that hatred. I'm sure that at times, the situation is hard for his family.  However, his ex, who has two children by him, and I are friendly and connected on a social networking site; and his current wife, who he also has children with, and I are friendly and connected on that site as well.  I show my son pictures of his siblings, and they do the same.

However, with my younger son, the state's quest to obtain child support has caused his family to attempt to deny his existence.  His father has tried to say that he biologically belongs to his [the father's] brother; because the brother is in prison.  Ed's dad has two children by an earlier relationship [before ours] who are "grown" [ages 18 and 20]; and a child younger than my son [whom I don't know anything more than the first name of the child].  Ed's dad is the co-owner of two tattoo shops [his brother and sister-in-law own with him] and refuses to "be forced" to pay child support.  They have gone to great lengths to decieve child support enforcement and lie about where he is at. 

Ed's dad's older son contacted me through a social networking site and asked about the relationship between his parents.  At first, I declined to tell him anything and encouraged him to talk to his parents.  He persisted and at the time, he was of age.  He insisted that his father had told him that the reason he [the father] hadn't seen him was because the boy's mother wouldn't allow it.  Apparently, my ex told his son that I knew this was true.  Unknown to me at the time, when I first became involved with my ex, he was still with this boy's mother.  Because of this, she and I do not have any contact.  However, I was not going to allow my ex to poison his son's mind about the woman who struggled to take care of him.  I told him that his dad creates elaborate stories to cover his inadequacies.  I told the child the truth, that his father wanted to do anything but take care of his children, and that he neglected my child as well.  When my ex asked what was said, I told him, and advised him not to continue to lie about his child's mother or I would contact her myself. 

Ed's dad had been calling and speaking to him at times.  He would buy him birthday gifts.  The times he would visit, if he went to get something to eat at a restaurant, coffee, anything, he would tip waitresses anywhere from $20-$50.  At that time, I told him that amount would go a long way in helping raise our child.  I get $166 in child support from Billy's dad, and asked him to even pay that amount.  He had given that to three waitresses in front of me.  His reasoning for never giving me money was that he always wanted me to be intimately involved with him when he was here and/or for me to promise to be back with him.  Both of those things I had tried before, I am far to responsible.  We don't belong together.  He would often be involved with someone else and still try to get involved with me.  Then he would lie to those people if they somehow made contact with me.  He and his brother spend whatever they want and do what they want.  Approximately two years ago, I sent a message to wish the brother "Happy Birthday".  At that time, Ed's dad and I had spoken a few months prior and I had no idea that feelings had changed toward myself or my son.  His brother sent a response message berating me and calling me various names.  He also denied that this brother was the father of my son and told me to quit trying to screw them over.  This was the first I had heard of my ex denying our child, so I was pretty heated and wrote him back.  Then I cut off contact with the family.

Recently, a member of my family told me that my son's older sister was pregnant.  This is the same girl who's brother contacted me regarding their parents, so I didn't think that she "hated" me and my son.  I sent her a simple message over Twitter (less than 140 characters, of course).  She responded with harsh name-calling, cussing, denying that my son is her brother, and so on.  There are members of the family that have denied that she and her brother belonged to their father as well, and I have defended them and their mother.  Now, here is this girl [either 17 or 18 years old] and pregnant, berating me.  My first reaction is to be fiercely upset for my son's sake.  The reason I asked her about the pregnancy was because my son wanted to know if "he was going to be an uncle".  My second reaction is who raises their children to hate their siblings.  Why do people have to be this way?  Apparently her dad has come back around a bit now that the kids are grown and child support from their state isn't chasing him...and he has thrown them a few bones. 

I don't want my sons to be tarnished by all of this drama.  Again, I try to keep it from them.  I just know that one day, they will be on the internet and might find something about themselves.  I have blocked this girl from my Twitter and my Facebook, yet she is telling family members that I am stalking her and trying to do something to her.  She is the one who put all sorts of things on my public twitter page.  So, yeah, drama.  Hurtful for kids.  Don't have a child with a lowlife.  All those things.

And, as always, pray for me and mine.   

Emotional Girl

As the song goes:  "I'm an emotional girl, I can't help myself, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I do both and I don't know why..."

That's me this past couple weeks.  Full of emotion. Not quite knowing what to do with myself.  My circumstances have been less than stellar the past couple years.  I lost my job, my car broke down, I have no transportation except for borrowing my Mom's vehicles when needed.  Unemployement...poverty is a never ending cycle. You can't get to work because you don't have a vehicle, but you can't buy a vehicle if you don't have a job.  It's so frustrating. 

If you read this, and you know me (or even if you don't), say a prayer for me.  Yes, God is taking care of my basic needs. I am lucky to have food, shelter, etc. I could clearly be homeless.  But, I am still hurt at times when I see people around me who have the things that I don't: a spouse/love, a home, a vehicle, a job.  Especially when they aren't always thankful for what they have.

How Moving was SO much more...

When I hear parents contemplating how a move might affect their children, I always think "It WILL change their lives".  Most people don't believe that.  They think children are resilient, they will bounce back, they will easily adjust and so on.  But, there are some things that can never be recaptured.  There are some places that are no so accepting.  Moving is hard, life-changing.

I grew up in a small town in Florida.  I went to Ft McCoy Elementary. I remember that there was a new middle school created just before I left.  It was "MY" school.  When you start out at a school, when in Kindergarten you make friends and the bus driver seems like your Grandma, well, it all just seems like it belongs to you.  You might say that in most areas, I was my school's elite.  I was in gifted class; took the next year's state standardized tests (if I was in 3rd grade, I took 4th) and still made a high score; if there was a club, I was in it; I was the safety patrol; all the teachers knew me; I had the same friends since Kindergarten, and we just kept adding more (we were cool like that).  I went to school there from Kindergarten until about half way through my 6th grade year.  We had just gotten into that new school.  There were some new people because a couple districts were put together (new friends!).  We were in the year where we could learn all that the new classes had to offer: taxidermy, choir, PE, business and so on.  And then...MOVE.

My parents decided to move to Missouri.  Mind you, we knew NO ONE there.  They felt it would be a closer trip to visit family in Indiana, without actually being in Indiana.  My Grandma moved with us, but other than that, we didn't know anyone where we moved.  Now, granted, kids are resilient.  I made friends, but I wasn't the elite anymore.  I wasn't considered all that cool. It wasn't the same.  I felt I held my own the rest of my Middle School and High School years.  Now, just about everyone in town does know who I am.  But, the move was life-changing.  I didn't have the friends I had for the past 7 years.  Everyone else did, they had all gone to school together, they knew each other, they had those "remember when" times.  That made me a bit on the outside.  Sleepovers didn't happen much, my Mom only trusted a few of my friend's home situations (again, we really didn't know them).  We weren't around people much, didn't have get togethers and so on.  Throughout high school, I dated maybe 3 guys locally.  I feel like this caused me to end up being in relationships I shouldn't have...like I had no other choice.  In Florida, I was going to go to the University of Florida at Gainsville, be a "Gator"; believe me, yes, in 6th grade I had this planned out.  There was "no way" for me to go that far away to go to college. I wasn't in Florida anymore, I wasn't a native, I wasn't a gator...I was in Missouri. 

It is hard to even explain the extent of how I feel things were so different for me because we moved.  But, I can say that it was enough to keep me in one place now, for my children's sake.  One son has much more social interaction than the other.  But, I know if they stay in the same school K-12, they will know the City Attorney; they will know the police officers, and the fire fighters, and the shop owners...they will know the people who will affect their lives.  They will know how things work in the small town we live in.  They will know where to go when they need support.  They will have roots, and after all, we all need those to grow.  And then, they can fly...fly off to another college...be a gator, or even a tiger if they want to.  Be grounded, but also grow.  Please, think of your children when making decisions.

Let Go and Let God, part 2

Just so my readers know, my Grandma and Aunt came home, 2 weeks and 2 days after they left.  There were plans of some to try to keep them in Alabama.  My Grandma was insistant that she wanted to come home.  My mother, her sister, my sister were all concerned and making plans to go get Grandma if necessary.

I said "God is in control. He's got this, He doesn't need us to act."

The kids and I prayed for Grandma & my Aunt to return safely home.  We stayed faithful and expecting.  Even when everyone around us kept complaining. Even when circumstances looked bleak. 

The thing is, when you Let Go and Let God, He will handle it for you.  You don't need to act, unless He tells you to.  If necessary, He will use even those who oppose His will to fulfill it.  He's God.